[....ah. He can't say he's too surprised to hear this is the topic, but that doesn't make it any easier to digest. Sycamore similarly needs a moment to gather both his emotions and his thoughts, but when he does speak, his voice is even.]
I took custody of your Pokémon; they live with the others in my laboratory gardens. Nobody - including them - was injured in the collapse.
[The 'just you' sits in the air, despite not being verbalised, and it sends a nasty chill down Sycamore's spine despite the fact that Lysandre is sitting alive and well next to him. Even now, it's hard to stop the reaction.]
Pyroar likes to sit under my desk, sometimes. Other times he tends to want to be by himself. The others are similar; they like to interact with the other Pokémon, but they also have moments where they either want to be alone, or with the others from your team. Speaking of which...Team Flare has disbanded. I'm not sure what the individual members are doing, but I know that...
[...of all the things to choke up on, this is the one? Give him a moment.]
[He listens to all that, keeping his focus with the goats and not looking at Sycamore throughout; he nods occasionally, the gesture tight - the answer about his Pokémon is honestly what he would have expected, and perhaps more to the point, it's what he would have wanted.
It's only at that pause, the mention of the café, that he glances over; even then, it's brief before he averts his gaze again. He isn't entirely sure what to say - what can you say, really, to something like this - but after a moment, he manages something, at least.]
...All right. I... Thank you. For telling me all of that.
[The words, too, are tightly controlled. Measured, in a way they usually aren't; he feels incredibly tense, in a way that he's not used to.]
I don't know how much they remember here. How aware they are of what happened. I do try to spend as much time with them as I can; I want them to know that it wasn't their fault. There was a battle before the incident, in which we were defeated. I don't want them to think that they were at all responsible for anything that happened.
Thank you for taking care of them, back in Kalos. I...would have wanted it that way, honestly.
[He's similarly keeping his focus on the goats, refusing to look up; mainly because he's concerned he'll fall to pieces if he does. God, this topic is so miserable, but...he hasn't forgotten (could never forget) the way Lysandre had been seeking to give him closure, with the assumption that he would one day be discarded. The pure selflessness hurt, in a way that was both sweet and agonising, and Sycamore had promised himself that he would do whatever he could to return the favour. No matter how much the conversation drained him emotionally.]
They miss you. We all know that it isn't our fault, logically, but it doesn't stop us blaming ourselves. That's just...how it is, when you care deeply about someone. The...
[...]
...the...grief, it...makes you irrational. You're so desperate to see the person again, it's almost...comforting, in a way, to fantasise about how you could have stopped it happening. How you could have changed things, regardless of how little influence you truly had on the process.
[......that's...]
...I'm sorry. That was a thoughtless thing to say. You don't have to thank me for looking after the Pokémon - it's my pleasure. They're all wonderful.
[Their presence makes it both easier, and harder; they're both a comfort, and a sign of everything that's been lost. But he doesn't need to add that; he's said too much already.]
[It's easier to assert that, as opposed to anything else that's been said so far; as far as he's concerned, it's entirely true.]
I'm not one to begrudge others their feelings, you know that. If it's something that's been on your mind, you don't have to hold yourself back; I want to hear it.
[The goats really are precious little things, aren't they.]
[Precious, adorable, the cutest things he's ever seen...all the more reason to keep looking at them. It feels...cowardly, really, but at least it's making it possible to get through all this emotional clutter.
...]
...of course you can. You can tell me anything. I want you to feel like you can tell me whatever is on your mind, Lysandre.
[-said emphatically to the goat currently sleeping in his lap, but...well, it's the thought that counts.]
...I don't know if it will help you to hear it; if it's something you already knew, or if it's something you just don't want to consider. I don't fault you, in that latter case.
But I find it...important, I suppose, to tell you that there wasn't any suffering after what happened.
[It's something he's said to others here; it's decidedly more difficult to actually say it to Sycamore personally.]
To be honest, I don't remember the moments leading up to the collapse very well; they're hazy. I remember doing what I ultimately did, and then there just isn't anything.
But I wasn't afraid, or in any sort of pain; it was over quickly, and I didn't suffer in any way.
[That is both difficult to hear and yet...freeing, somehow, and Sycamore releases the breath he didn't realise he was holding.]
...it's...I had thought about, but never when I was in a good place. So thank you, for telling me.
[He falls silent again, continuing to look down at the goat but not really seeing it.]
Something that brought me comfort was..
[...]
...was knowing that you were at peace, after it all. No longer in pain. It's why I've been....worried, since you arrived here. Elated, of course - obviously! - but feeling selfish at the same time. As if my desire to have you here somehow made it manifest, and now you're no longer...
[...it's hard to say, but....if they're going deep, there isn't much deeper than this.]
...well, you're...forced back into it, but worse, because of Sanguis. Suffering privately, but putting on a brave face for me. Because you don't want me to worry.
[...This is definitely a conversation they needed to have here; somehow the goats tend to make this at least vaguely easier, as opposed to the amount of standing up and pacing around and fidgeting they would surely be doing by now.]
I don't ever let myself consider whether I regret what I did or not, or whether I would choose to change the outcome if I were given the chance to do so. Considering that... It would mean that I would have to live with whatever conclusion I came to for as long as I'm here, and there's no possible positive outcome in the long term. So I don't let myself think about it.
But I will say that I prefer being here with you as opposed to "at peace" and not getting to experience this at all. Being here is worth whatever Sanguis does to me. I do mean that much.
[There would absolutely be fidgeting, pacing, and potential desperate attempts to just walk away from the conversation entirely, so it is definitely good that it's happening here.
...
....that last comment, it...
...there's a warmth that floods through his body, upon hearing it, and Sycamore can't resist reaching out and placing his free hand on Lysandre's thigh.]
....are you...sure?
[It's a stupid thing to say, he knows, yet his voice just cracked again and goat or not, it's suddenly hard to contain his emotions. But for the first time in a while, he's actually looking up.]
[At least he's not the only one who isn't completely sure what to do with his expression, particularly in the face of one of the sweetest things he's heard in a while. Sanguis must be hellish, for multiple reasons (including the horribly rude scales with the audacity to grow on his face), so...]
[Oh no, he tried so hard...all right, that's going to make Sycamore laugh, and it's....relaxing, somewhat. A far more pleasant release of the tension that's been building up, compared to the other scenario he was worried was going to happen (i.e. holding these goats while crying).]
I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to tease. It was just...very sweet, that's all. I'll do everything I can to make it worth it.
[Starting with your birthday, but that's going to be a surprise........]
When I first arrived here, I wasn't sure how this was going to be. Whether things would work out between us, if you would even want to speak to me... I wouldn't have blamed you for not wanting any of it.
Things have already been far better than I could have expected. I'm happy, truly.
I understand why you thought that way, but...I have no regrets. I was never going to ignore you. Now look! You're stuck with me.
[Just to emphasise that, he'll shift over a bit (ensuring he doesn't wake the goat, of course) and lean against your shoulder. Time for some chroma; they deserve it.]
...thank you, by the way. For telling me all of that. I know it can't have been easy.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I took custody of your Pokémon; they live with the others in my laboratory gardens. Nobody - including them - was injured in the collapse.
[The 'just you' sits in the air, despite not being verbalised, and it sends a nasty chill down Sycamore's spine despite the fact that Lysandre is sitting alive and well next to him. Even now, it's hard to stop the reaction.]
Pyroar likes to sit under my desk, sometimes. Other times he tends to want to be by himself. The others are similar; they like to interact with the other Pokémon, but they also have moments where they either want to be alone, or with the others from your team. Speaking of which...Team Flare has disbanded. I'm not sure what the individual members are doing, but I know that...
[...of all the things to choke up on, this is the one? Give him a moment.]
...your café, it's empty now. No one goes there.
[Except me, sometimes.]
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It's only at that pause, the mention of the café, that he glances over; even then, it's brief before he averts his gaze again. He isn't entirely sure what to say - what can you say, really, to something like this - but after a moment, he manages something, at least.]
...All right. I... Thank you. For telling me all of that.
[The words, too, are tightly controlled. Measured, in a way they usually aren't; he feels incredibly tense, in a way that he's not used to.]
I don't know how much they remember here. How aware they are of what happened. I do try to spend as much time with them as I can; I want them to know that it wasn't their fault. There was a battle before the incident, in which we were defeated. I don't want them to think that they were at all responsible for anything that happened.
Thank you for taking care of them, back in Kalos. I...would have wanted it that way, honestly.
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[He's similarly keeping his focus on the goats, refusing to look up; mainly because he's concerned he'll fall to pieces if he does. God, this topic is so miserable, but...he hasn't forgotten (could never forget) the way Lysandre had been seeking to give him closure, with the assumption that he would one day be discarded. The pure selflessness hurt, in a way that was both sweet and agonising, and Sycamore had promised himself that he would do whatever he could to return the favour. No matter how much the conversation drained him emotionally.]
They miss you. We all know that it isn't our fault, logically, but it doesn't stop us blaming ourselves. That's just...how it is, when you care deeply about someone. The...
[...]
...the...grief, it...makes you irrational. You're so desperate to see the person again, it's almost...comforting, in a way, to fantasise about how you could have stopped it happening. How you could have changed things, regardless of how little influence you truly had on the process.
[......that's...]
...I'm sorry. That was a thoughtless thing to say. You don't have to thank me for looking after the Pokémon - it's my pleasure. They're all wonderful.
[Their presence makes it both easier, and harder; they're both a comfort, and a sign of everything that's been lost. But he doesn't need to add that; he's said too much already.]
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[It's easier to assert that, as opposed to anything else that's been said so far; as far as he's concerned, it's entirely true.]
I'm not one to begrudge others their feelings, you know that. If it's something that's been on your mind, you don't have to hold yourself back; I want to hear it.
[The goats really are precious little things, aren't they.]
Can I tell you something? About what happened.
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...]
...of course you can. You can tell me anything. I want you to feel like you can tell me whatever is on your mind, Lysandre.
[-said emphatically to the goat currently sleeping in his lap, but...well, it's the thought that counts.]
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But I find it...important, I suppose, to tell you that there wasn't any suffering after what happened.
[It's something he's said to others here; it's decidedly more difficult to actually say it to Sycamore personally.]
To be honest, I don't remember the moments leading up to the collapse very well; they're hazy. I remember doing what I ultimately did, and then there just isn't anything.
But I wasn't afraid, or in any sort of pain; it was over quickly, and I didn't suffer in any way.
no subject
...it's...I had thought about, but never when I was in a good place. So thank you, for telling me.
[He falls silent again, continuing to look down at the goat but not really seeing it.]
Something that brought me comfort was..
[...]
...was knowing that you were at peace, after it all. No longer in pain. It's why I've been....worried, since you arrived here. Elated, of course - obviously! - but feeling selfish at the same time. As if my desire to have you here somehow made it manifest, and now you're no longer...
[...it's hard to say, but....if they're going deep, there isn't much deeper than this.]
...well, you're...forced back into it, but worse, because of Sanguis. Suffering privately, but putting on a brave face for me. Because you don't want me to worry.
[...]
...I know it's something you would do, so.
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[...This is definitely a conversation they needed to have here; somehow the goats tend to make this at least vaguely easier, as opposed to the amount of standing up and pacing around and fidgeting they would surely be doing by now.]
I don't ever let myself consider whether I regret what I did or not, or whether I would choose to change the outcome if I were given the chance to do so. Considering that... It would mean that I would have to live with whatever conclusion I came to for as long as I'm here, and there's no possible positive outcome in the long term. So I don't let myself think about it.
But I will say that I prefer being here with you as opposed to "at peace" and not getting to experience this at all. Being here is worth whatever Sanguis does to me. I do mean that much.
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...
....that last comment, it...
...there's a warmth that floods through his body, upon hearing it, and Sycamore can't resist reaching out and placing his free hand on Lysandre's thigh.]
....are you...sure?
[It's a stupid thing to say, he knows, yet his voice just cracked again and goat or not, it's suddenly hard to contain his emotions. But for the first time in a while, he's actually looking up.]
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It gets him to look over, at least, and he doesn't seem sure what to do with his face, but...]
Yes, of course.
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Do you know how romantic that sounds?
[That hand is back on your cheek, by the way.]
Or are you just doing it unconsciously?
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It's...certainly not something I'm doing on purpose...
[He tried.]
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I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to tease. It was just...very sweet, that's all. I'll do everything I can to make it worth it.
[Starting with your birthday, but that's going to be a surprise........]
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When I first arrived here, I wasn't sure how this was going to be. Whether things would work out between us, if you would even want to speak to me... I wouldn't have blamed you for not wanting any of it.
Things have already been far better than I could have expected. I'm happy, truly.
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I understand why you thought that way, but...I have no regrets. I was never going to ignore you. Now look! You're stuck with me.
[Just to emphasise that, he'll shift over a bit (ensuring he doesn't wake the goat, of course) and lean against your shoulder. Time for some chroma; they deserve it.]
...thank you, by the way. For telling me all of that. I know it can't have been easy.
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[...Don't go anywhere, that's nice.]
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Honestly, I think I agree. I'm not complaining, though. I could talk to you all day, about anything.
[...
...okay he can admit that was gross, let him try and be less heart-eyes in your direction-]
With or without the goats, as cute as they are.
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You almost salvaged that one. I'm proud of you.
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[Might be cuddling into your shoulder a bit more, but. Ugh!]