[Sanguis' return had been a little easier to manage this time around; he still felt...off, in a lot of ways, but what he'd discovered last time continued to hold true the second time around - the fury burns cold, and he doesn't trust himself to be around people, and so he keeps to the apartment and he paces a little too much and the scales are present again and they're uncomfortable but they're bearable.
He doesn't revisit the conversation from the other day because he doesn't trust himself to, some part of him knows better than to try to focus on anything that happened there because the results won't ever be to his liking, and so he's grateful that the message only comes well after he's regained clarity.
It's hot out, as it has been for the better part of the month, and he's foregoing the usual leather for something that's far more breathable - still in the same colors, just not arrayed in quite the same manner, the suit is dark and the tie and shirt beneath it the usual vibrant shade of red, and it's expensive but something he's unattached to if the goats decide they like it.
Either way, he arrives easily, and he does so casually, and he seems like he's thinking but willing to see where this goes.]
[Despite the nerves, Sycamore can't deny that he's delighted to see Lysandre. He's always been delighted to see him in general, of course, but after everything that's happened...well. Every chance he gets to see his friend arriving to meet with him is another memory to cherish.
The new (obviously expensive) suit is noted, and approved of (if the way his breath caught momentarily is any indication), although Sycamore's smile widens at the fact that this is what Lysandre deems appropriate to wear around small animals. He's stuck to the usual dark jeans, paired with a shimmery blue shirt - although he's done his best to play against type and try for something a least a little subtle in terms of sheen.
(still wearing the yellow belt and red socks, of course.)]
[Though he rolls his eyes a little at it, he seems amused in some understated way; he'll join Sycamore on the ground, not seeming to care about what that's going to do to the fabric, and waiting for the goats to acclimate to his presence.]
[Well, Sycamore is going to laugh, at a combination of his incredible joke and the fact that yes, apparently that beautifully made suit is Lysandre's 'outdoor adventures with small, excited animals' outfit. At least some things never change.
He'll wait for him to get settled before he answers, content to play with the fur of one the the kids dozing on his lap.]
I haven't been too bad, actually. Once the triple moon hit, the exalted form disappeared and I was left with just a normal transformation. It made life a bit easier.
[Just a moment, he need to access the gallery on his Holocaster....there. The image he's chosen is a selfie, featuring him winking flirtatiously (in a very silly manner) at the camera, rabbit ears on full display.]
You see? That is how I was supposed to look, for Iris. Naturally, it didn't show up until the triple moon.
[The comment is expected, but it makes Sycamore fall silent regardless; it had been nice to joke around, but it was foolish to pretend they weren't there for a reason. It makes him sigh.]
I was the one who called you here, so I should start.
[...
...which would be all well and good if he...had a starting point prepared, just...give him a minute...]
...I...
[.....ugh-]
...I owe you an explanation, don't I? For why I've been so insistent you leave me be during Iris. I have a feeling you've got the gist, but....you want to hear it from me, don't you?
[That much is straightforward enough to put out there; he knows there's an explanation, and it's likely that he knows what the explanation is. But even so, he wants to hear it.]
[That earns another sigh, but it's quiet, and Sycamore lets the silence linger for a moment while he continues to run his fingers along the head of his little goat. It's much easier to say all of...this, he's finding, if he focuses completely on the tiny creatures surrounding him, rather than looking anywhere near Lysandre.]
...do you remember when I visited you during Sanguis, and I said that Iris brings up emotions that I've buried? I mentioned betrayal and confusion, things like that. The truth is, I...
[...]
...I didn't tell you about...the rest of it. The feelings I'd buried far deeper, which are the ones that Iris tends to...latch onto and intensify.
There's sort of...how do I phrase this, it's like...there's two major reasons I didn't want you around. Perhaps if I try and explain this somewhat...I don't know, scientifically, it'll be easier.
[It probably won't be easier, but Sycamore knows himself well enough to just try and...get the ball rolling, and then the words will likely just keep coming.]
The first one relates to the fact that I...
[....come on, just say it, just...they've come too far, if there was any time to get this out it's now...]
...I...I am incredibly attracted to you, Lysandre. Not just intellectually, but...physically, emotionally. I've had far too much time on my hands to think about all this, since...what happened back in Kalos, I'd been going through all our interactions trying to find a clue I might have missed, about the Team Flare plot, and that's when I realised that...well, what I said before. It upset me, deeply, because of course I would come to that realisation when it was too late to do anything! Not that I would have, because you're completely out of my league, but...still, it...hurt. A lot. So I just shoved all of that down, in the hope that I would just forget.
But of course, enter Iris.
[The words are coming easier, now, and while Sycamore is positive he's definitely going to be embarrassed once this stops...getting all of this out into the open is a relief.]
Iris makes you crave sex. You're constantly thinking about, and it...does things, to your body, that ensures you're always ready for it if it becomes available, regardless of the gender of your suitor. Ever since you arrived I'd been stressed about what could happen if you came near me during that moon. I never wanted you to know about any of this, and the thought that it could be revealed in general was stressful enough, but revealed like...like Iris would make me do, like some kind of horny teenager begging for it, I simply...the thought was nauseating, I couldn't let it happen! If I was to ever tell you about this I wanted it to be...done properly. Like this, I suppose.
[....the goats were a surprise, but it works.]
So that's the first reason. The second one was that I'm trying so hard not to make you being here all about me and my issues, and this is just...the epitome of 'me and my issues', so....again, not letting you near me during Iris seemed like the easiest thing to do.
[Sighing again, Sycamore rakes his fingers through his hair.]
The irony is, of course, that I upset you regardless when I pushed you away. I'm sorry, Lysandre. I didn't...I just wanted to make sure you were...happy. It was stupid.
And now, I think I will stop talking for a bit. I've said enough.
[Again, it takes him a moment; he isn't looking at Sycamore, he isn't even sure how to begin addressing any of that, and so for a while he just doesn't.]
I admit that I've been short-tempered with you, with regards to all of this. For reasons that have little to nothing to do with Sanguis... Though that certainly doesn't help any.
[He pauses; refocuses himself on the goats.]
I know you're going to insist that I'm wrong about this. But I'm well aware that I don't deserve kindness - I can't expect that from anyone, much less you. And I've just been waiting, I suppose, for you to realize what a mistake you're making and that you want nothing further to do with me after what I've done.
So I've been doing my best to give you some sort of closure in the time that I have to do that, before you decide that things should end. I've always expected this to be temporary. But even so, being pushed away like that was...
[...]
It...scared me, I suppose. To think that maybe you had come to that decision, that this was going to be all. It wasn't rational, perhaps, but it is what it is regardless. I didn't mean to take it out on you, either way.
[......]
I've heard the rest of what you said and I'm not trying to ignore it. But I did want to explain my thoughts - any argument I had with it wasn't with you, exactly.
[...we're both doing a lot of staring at these goats, aren't we. At least they don't seem to mind.]
I'm glad you don't need me to insist. But if my embarrassing speech didn't make it clear, I'd be devastated if we went our separate ways here. You don't need to worry about that, Lysandre. At all.
[He'll actually laugh softly, after that, still not taking his eyes off where his fingers are tangled in soft goat fur.]
...the great irony is that despite all my insisting, if you'd actually left me alone, I would have been upset. But I suppose emotions aren't logical, are they? Particularly when you...care about someone.
I didn't know how you felt back in Kalos, for reference's sake. It was something I came to suspect here. Never anything I intended to bring up, of course, but it did come to my attention.
[The lightness is appreciated, and Sycamore gives some of it back in kind.]
I didn't know how I felt back in Kalos - or I was so deeply in denial that I'd convinced myself I didn't - so I'm not surprised you weren't privy to it. I'm glad, though. I loved our relationship as it was.
[....
...ah, speaking....of which, that...he needs to mention that, now, quickly-]
I meant to say earlier, can you...
[This is going to suck, but it's important to say. The last piece of the puzzle.]
...if you could...just pretend I didn't say any of that, it would be great. I mean I know it isn't that easy, but if you just keep away from me during Iris it will be fine, we won't notice the difference, I promise, our relationship will be exactly the same. I'll get over it, I just need a bit of time to do so.
If that's your honest answer, then it bears consideration, I think.
[It sounds confident at least, and for now that's what matters.]
I'm not promising anything; I would need to assess things. But any hesitation I may have has nothing to do with me allegedly being out of your league.
[He seems sort of amused by that latter concept, at least.]
Really, mon ami, I'm not certain why you believe that. I know why I'm out of most people's league, of course - [JESUS, LYSANDRE] - but I'm not sure why you think I'm out of yours.
[augustine for the love of all things please try to keep up]
I have a few things to assess with regards to it, as I said. It's certainly something to discuss again eventually. But I'm not saying that I'm disinterested in any way. Just that I need time.
[...well. That was entirely unexpected, and it's obvious by the mildly (...alright, a bit more than 'mildly') stunned expression on Sycamore's face. This is...not how he thought this would go; he would make some inane confession and Lysandre would politely thank him for the interest and agree to leave him alone during Iris so they didn't risk anything awkward happening and he's not disinterested in any way?]
I...
[At this rate, he'll need some time to assess things himself; at least to try and process everything that's happened. But on the whole, however...]
...that...sounds great!
[...he'd be lying if he said he wasn't delighted.]
Of course, I...take all the time you need, you know I'm only one message away, I...
[Sorry, he. he will be a bit more coherent in a moment, this was very unexpected]
Really, I had no idea you would be so surprised. That said, it's good to see you so pleased.
[He fairly obviously adores you? He thought he was clear about that much...]
Of course I'll let you know once I've come to any sort of conclusion. But I don't think either of us will be happy with it if we just ignore it entirely.
[Y-Yes, well...yes, well...if it hasn't been painfully obvious, the adoration is thoroughly mutual]
No, I...I don't think we will be. I have to say, I feel...so much better, having said my piece.
[It's even reflected in his posture; Sycamore hadn't been conscious of it, but he's been tense ever since he first sat down in the Groves. Now he can....relax, at least a bit.
...]
...it was killing me, to keep pushing you away like that. I think I rather like this 'open and honest' thing; maybe enough to keep it up.
[...let him be a little bit irreverent for a moment, it's. been a wild ride.]
So I will honestly say that I have no problem with you taking all the time that you need, Lysandre. I'm just...happy to finally be completely open with you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He doesn't revisit the conversation from the other day because he doesn't trust himself to, some part of him knows better than to try to focus on anything that happened there because the results won't ever be to his liking, and so he's grateful that the message only comes well after he's regained clarity.
It's hot out, as it has been for the better part of the month, and he's foregoing the usual leather for something that's far more breathable - still in the same colors, just not arrayed in quite the same manner, the suit is dark and the tie and shirt beneath it the usual vibrant shade of red, and it's expensive but something he's unattached to if the goats decide they like it.
Either way, he arrives easily, and he does so casually, and he seems like he's thinking but willing to see where this goes.]
I see you've been making friends.
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The new (obviously expensive) suit is noted, and approved of (if the way his breath caught momentarily is any indication), although Sycamore's smile widens at the fact that this is what Lysandre deems appropriate to wear around small animals. He's stuck to the usual dark jeans, paired with a shimmery blue shirt - although he's done his best to play against type and try for something a least a little subtle in terms of sheen.
(still wearing the yellow belt and red socks, of course.)]
I've always been good with kids.
[...]
...the baby ones are called kids.
[...do you get it
do you get the Joke mon ami
what if he waggles his eyebrows at you]
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[Though he rolls his eyes a little at it, he seems amused in some understated way; he'll join Sycamore on the ground, not seeming to care about what that's going to do to the fabric, and waiting for the goats to acclimate to his presence.]
How have you been, over the past few days?
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He'll wait for him to get settled before he answers, content to play with the fur of one the the kids dozing on his lap.]
I haven't been too bad, actually. Once the triple moon hit, the exalted form disappeared and I was left with just a normal transformation. It made life a bit easier.
[Just a moment, he need to access the gallery on his Holocaster....there. The image he's chosen is a selfie, featuring him winking flirtatiously (in a very silly manner) at the camera, rabbit ears on full display.]
You see? That is how I was supposed to look, for Iris. Naturally, it didn't show up until the triple moon.
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[He's quiet for a moment, reaching out to pet one of the goats that's decided he's good to be approached.]
I... We have a fair amount to talk about. I'm not certain where to begin.
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I was the one who called you here, so I should start.
[...
...which would be all well and good if he...had a starting point prepared, just...give him a minute...]
...I...
[.....ugh-]
...I owe you an explanation, don't I? For why I've been so insistent you leave me be during Iris. I have a feeling you've got the gist, but....you want to hear it from me, don't you?
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[That much is straightforward enough to put out there; he knows there's an explanation, and it's likely that he knows what the explanation is. But even so, he wants to hear it.]
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...do you remember when I visited you during Sanguis, and I said that Iris brings up emotions that I've buried? I mentioned betrayal and confusion, things like that. The truth is, I...
[...]
...I didn't tell you about...the rest of it. The feelings I'd buried far deeper, which are the ones that Iris tends to...latch onto and intensify.
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You know you can tell me anything.
[It's quiet, though; he's not trying to press - it would be obvious if he were - but it's receptive enough to whatever needs to be said.]
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[...]
There's sort of...how do I phrase this, it's like...there's two major reasons I didn't want you around. Perhaps if I try and explain this somewhat...I don't know, scientifically, it'll be easier.
[It probably won't be easier, but Sycamore knows himself well enough to just try and...get the ball rolling, and then the words will likely just keep coming.]
The first one relates to the fact that I...
[....come on, just say it, just...they've come too far, if there was any time to get this out it's now...]
...I...I am incredibly attracted to you, Lysandre. Not just intellectually, but...physically, emotionally. I've had far too much time on my hands to think about all this, since...what happened back in Kalos, I'd been going through all our interactions trying to find a clue I might have missed, about the Team Flare plot, and that's when I realised that...well, what I said before. It upset me, deeply, because of course I would come to that realisation when it was too late to do anything! Not that I would have, because you're completely out of my league, but...still, it...hurt. A lot. So I just shoved all of that down, in the hope that I would just forget.
But of course, enter Iris.
[The words are coming easier, now, and while Sycamore is positive he's definitely going to be embarrassed once this stops...getting all of this out into the open is a relief.]
Iris makes you crave sex. You're constantly thinking about, and it...does things, to your body, that ensures you're always ready for it if it becomes available, regardless of the gender of your suitor. Ever since you arrived I'd been stressed about what could happen if you came near me during that moon. I never wanted you to know about any of this, and the thought that it could be revealed in general was stressful enough, but revealed like...like Iris would make me do, like some kind of horny teenager begging for it, I simply...the thought was nauseating, I couldn't let it happen! If I was to ever tell you about this I wanted it to be...done properly. Like this, I suppose.
[....the goats were a surprise, but it works.]
So that's the first reason. The second one was that I'm trying so hard not to make you being here all about me and my issues, and this is just...the epitome of 'me and my issues', so....again, not letting you near me during Iris seemed like the easiest thing to do.
[Sighing again, Sycamore rakes his fingers through his hair.]
The irony is, of course, that I upset you regardless when I pushed you away. I'm sorry, Lysandre. I didn't...I just wanted to make sure you were...happy. It was stupid.
And now, I think I will stop talking for a bit. I've said enough.
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I admit that I've been short-tempered with you, with regards to all of this. For reasons that have little to nothing to do with Sanguis... Though that certainly doesn't help any.
[He pauses; refocuses himself on the goats.]
I know you're going to insist that I'm wrong about this. But I'm well aware that I don't deserve kindness - I can't expect that from anyone, much less you. And I've just been waiting, I suppose, for you to realize what a mistake you're making and that you want nothing further to do with me after what I've done.
So I've been doing my best to give you some sort of closure in the time that I have to do that, before you decide that things should end. I've always expected this to be temporary. But even so, being pushed away like that was...
[...]
It...scared me, I suppose. To think that maybe you had come to that decision, that this was going to be all. It wasn't rational, perhaps, but it is what it is regardless. I didn't mean to take it out on you, either way.
[......]
I've heard the rest of what you said and I'm not trying to ignore it. But I did want to explain my thoughts - any argument I had with it wasn't with you, exactly.
no subject
I'm glad you don't need me to insist. But if my embarrassing speech didn't make it clear, I'd be devastated if we went our separate ways here. You don't need to worry about that, Lysandre. At all.
[He'll actually laugh softly, after that, still not taking his eyes off where his fingers are tangled in soft goat fur.]
...the great irony is that despite all my insisting, if you'd actually left me alone, I would have been upset. But I suppose emotions aren't logical, are they? Particularly when you...care about someone.
no subject
[That's lighter, though, at least.]
I didn't know how you felt back in Kalos, for reference's sake. It was something I came to suspect here. Never anything I intended to bring up, of course, but it did come to my attention.
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I didn't know how I felt back in Kalos - or I was so deeply in denial that I'd convinced myself I didn't - so I'm not surprised you weren't privy to it. I'm glad, though. I loved our relationship as it was.
[....
...ah, speaking....of which, that...he needs to mention that, now, quickly-]
I meant to say earlier, can you...
[This is going to suck, but it's important to say. The last piece of the puzzle.]
...if you could...just pretend I didn't say any of that, it would be great. I mean I know it isn't that easy, but if you just keep away from me during Iris it will be fine, we won't notice the difference, I promise, our relationship will be exactly the same. I'll get over it, I just need a bit of time to do so.
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Is that what you want to happen...?
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W-Well, I...
[...]
...wouldn't that be easiest? I mean...I suppose the answer to your question is no, if you want me to be honest, but...
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[It sounds confident at least, and for now that's what matters.]
I'm not promising anything; I would need to assess things. But any hesitation I may have has nothing to do with me allegedly being out of your league.
[He seems sort of amused by that latter concept, at least.]
Really, mon ami, I'm not certain why you believe that. I know why I'm out of most people's league, of course - [JESUS, LYSANDRE] - but I'm not sure why you think I'm out of yours.
no subject
...OKAY hang on a minute let him just. Pause for a moment and try to process everything that was just stated because there was a lot going on-]
I mean...that's part of the reason I think that, you're practically untouchable in terms of...wait-
[....wait wait wait wait it just. something just clicked and he doesn't want to dare get his hopes up, but...]
...are you saying you...you don't mind? You actually want to consider it?
no subject
[augustine for the love of all things please try to keep up]
I have a few things to assess with regards to it, as I said. It's certainly something to discuss again eventually. But I'm not saying that I'm disinterested in any way. Just that I need time.
no subject
I...
[At this rate, he'll need some time to assess things himself; at least to try and process everything that's happened. But on the whole, however...]
...that...sounds great!
[...he'd be lying if he said he wasn't delighted.]
Of course, I...take all the time you need, you know I'm only one message away, I...
[Sorry, he. he will be a bit more coherent in a moment, this was very unexpected]
no subject
[He fairly obviously adores you? He thought he was clear about that much...]
Of course I'll let you know once I've come to any sort of conclusion. But I don't think either of us will be happy with it if we just ignore it entirely.
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No, I...I don't think we will be. I have to say, I feel...so much better, having said my piece.
[It's even reflected in his posture; Sycamore hadn't been conscious of it, but he's been tense ever since he first sat down in the Groves. Now he can....relax, at least a bit.
...]
...it was killing me, to keep pushing you away like that. I think I rather like this 'open and honest' thing; maybe enough to keep it up.
[...let him be a little bit irreverent for a moment, it's. been a wild ride.]
So I will honestly say that I have no problem with you taking all the time that you need, Lysandre. I'm just...happy to finally be completely open with you.